well. i'm thankful it doesn't happen to me

salam alaik

woke up early today. a horrific dream happened to me today, and I can't sleep after that.

kita selalu baca orang Palestin, Iraq, Lubnan, Syria jadi tahanan dalam rumah sendiri. Penjahat (*baca Yahudi) masuk kedalam rumah, claiming it's their soil, and force you to get out of your own house. bukan selalu baca benda ni kita bayangkan diri kita dalam keadaan sedara-mara kita kat nun jauh sana tu. kita assume, okay kot. selamat kot. ada orang selamatkan kot. KOT.... the safe assumption, just because we don't know. or worst... don't really care.

last night, I dreamt of being a hostage in my own house. bayangkan, tengah chill hari ahad with family dalam rumah, tengah melayan anak-anak buah mewarna, mom and dad tengah bergurau, adik-beradik lain doing their own stuff dalam rumah. suddenly, a team of I don't know who, barged in... lengkap dengan senapang and magazines, and tetiba semua dah kena tahan.

me, and few others tersekat dalam bilik tepi yang penjahat tu x perasan. and like a movie, we got a gun. not knowing what will happen, my brother suggested that we kill ourselves. I was like... WHAT??

no time to explain, he shot my sister, and shot himself. I was left alone to decide. do I kill myself and just let this thing go. the chance to save other people in other room is a chance that I no longer have as an option.. I thought, well, I have no skills whatsoever, so it's dumb for me to fight those gun equipped team that has barged into my house.

the sad part is......

I KILLED MYSELF.

like seriously. all I thought was to get out of those stressful moments where I don't have a choice to save my family, and save myself from torture by killing myself.

and I did it.

before I shot myself in the head, I even asked myself, will god accept me to his heaven? because I know He won't accept people who killed himself. but I went through it anyway.

as I woke up. I cried. thinking that I have zero bravery, unlike my brothers and sisters in Syria and Palestine, they stayed strong, mempertahankan rumah sendiri and they chose not to kill themselves even though they had nothing to eat, and held hostage in their own homes.

hmm~

if I am going to dream about it again...  I guess I would not kill myself, and try to save my family in the other rooms. yes, I have to. they are family. and I have to fight for them. not leaving them.


I'm sorry for the sad post. but when this happened it really makes you think. what are you going to do if you're faced with the same situation?

I end my post by... WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO IF THIS HAPPENED TO YOU?